ASK EROS: Menage a ?!?!?

Hello loves,

Today I thought we'd deal with one of the most common conundrums of coitus... the threesome.

Lets face it, almost every male of every species has fantasized about one.  And the truth is,  more women than would readily admit to it have thought about bringing an additional partner to bed as well.

(Side note: we often use threesome and menage e toi interchangeably, but the latter is actually a term for three people who are sexually involved also living together as a household... something which few threesomes lead to in my experience.)

Now, love making can be complicated enough with one partner, it can be a downright mess once you start adding other beings into the equation.  And that's why I get so many questions having to do with threesomes.  Why, just this weekend I got the following:



Want to know what I think?  Read on...

Well Vanessa, as stated above threesomes can be complicated.  While I'm all for spontaneity and living in the moment, the reality is that if you're in a committed relationship and you bring a third (or fourth, or fifth, why does everyone always think it has to stop at three anyway?) person into your bed you are introducing an element of change into the sexual dynamic between you and your primary partner.  And of course that's why you do it.  Because as a general rule, change is good.

But so is communication.  And based on your question, my guess is that you and your man may not have fully considered or discussed all the potential repercussions of sharing your bed with your gal pal.

Unfortunately there's nothing to be done about that now (though keep it in mind for future reference) that you have, as it were, opened pandora's box.  And from the sound of things, you enjoyed opening her box quite a bit.

I realize the feelings you have now are confusing, maybe even a bit scary, but running away from them will do you no good.  You'll be left wondering whether what you feel for your friend is really romantic love, or just lust.  And your man will wonder why something you both seemed so excited by suddenly became taboo.  He may begin to fear he did something wrong, or that you're jealous, or that you're secretly in love with your female friend.  And while all of that MAY be true, you really don't know that right now, do you?  This is a case where uncertainty is perhaps far worse than the alternative. 

So, I say take a deep breath, throw some nice sheets on the bed and have at it!

Now, after this second time, it will be important to take stock of how you feel and, once armed with that information, TALK to your man and/or your gal pal and lay out some ground rules for further frolicking.  Remember, threesome are only fun if everyone is on the same page.

And for those of you considering taking the plunge into threesome-land yourselves, I find, as with many questions about sex, that the handsome and very funny Dan Savage (one of my favorite mortals) often has the right way to approach matters.   This short clip has some Eros approved advice to start off with. 

Good luck Vanessa!  Keep me posted.
-E